Walk Through the Fear

Is there anybody out there?
Just nod if you can hear me

Is there anybody else at all??*

Mr. Sotheby came in today. He had initially instigated treatment by very clearly asking for it. We have had four or five sessions. The last two sessions have been totally insane for me. I can’t really tell where his issues and mine are intersecting and separate. He gives me this amazing writing that I would copy and take home to my support, but that would ask too much of him.

And yet, the person he gives me in writing is so much more present than the body I have sitting next to me in session.

I seem entirely unable to push him. I can’t tell if I am channeling his own wish or just thrashing around in my particular issues. Like a rock, he looks at me. Sometimes his eyes are animated and I feel his reality, and then a small change occurs and he is gone. Prison Dead Eye.

He has given me a few explanations at the same time he reassures. He does not want my pity. He does not possess girlish emotions. I can not possibly understand his pain. I think all are true but missing the essence. I suspect the issue is trust. And that’s when he reassures me that indeed he does trust me, and I know more about him than anybody else in the facility, except a couple of people with whom he has done years of time.

After Mr. Sotheby left, I bounced off my frustration in the main office. My boss just thinks he is in my office because I, “smell good.” Implying I have the coochie. My husband has been driving this into my head lately. “They all have sex with you at night…”

I just can’t believe it. For God’s sake, I am older than his mother. If this is all it is, I just need to pack up and go home. I am too naive to do this job. If I find he is just playing me, when I am so sure he is not, I’m fucking doomed.

Mr. Sotheby tells me he thinks things were going along at a nice pace. I can’t imagine what he is talking about, except conversation at about four miles an hour. He tells me he sees my name on his itinerary and feels happy. Such a lovely compliment, and again, I don’t think he is bullshitting me. But he could be.

So many people lie, and I know I don’t always know for sure; I want to see the best. I’ve caught a few playing me. God, if he is doing this, he will be the nightmare I’ve been waiting for; the incident that crushes me. Then I get to be the one to decide if I trust again or just relegate the rest of my patients to animals.

I see him, and I wish I could walk up to him and just touch him on the forehead. To let him lean in, and for a moment give up what he holds, relax, and maybe take a moment to feel safe. In fact, I wish that for so many of them including some of the officers. Too much pain exists in this place.

Both my friends I talked to about it, Meem and Mel, tell me I need to back off and just let it go: let him talk and find his own pace. He’s not leaving soon, so I really shouldn’t feel so much pressure. I guess we both have to walk through our fear.

*Pink Floyd