From Mr. Stewart

Ms. Mclain,

I’ve been sitting in this box for 5 ½ days now, and it just dawned on me how crazy I am. I mean I’ve always known this, but I’ve just affirmed my beliefs. I found myself thinking about my reason for being in here and started laughing to myself about it. I literally “created my own prison.” I’m not a stupid man, but man, do I do stupid things.

Remember me telling you about how I’d been depressed and angry ever since my flop started? There was only one way for it to go unless I stopped it, and that’s right where I’m at. I wasn’t dealing with any of it in a healthy manner. I just pray that I can stay here and continue to work with you on these issues, because I really need some frickin’ help! I do appreciate all the help that you’ve given me so far, and I hope that it can continue. I’m not sure how much more I can say without being inappropriate, so I’ll move on.

You asked me why I never told you about my daughter being ill. I didn’t really think about it, I guess. But there’s more to it that that. When I tell people one of two things happens or both sometimes: I’m somehow defective because of it, or I think she is and that’s why I’m not there, because I’m an asshole who doesn’t care about her. It’s all bullshit! And to tell you the truth, I was told by Laurie a long time ago to stay away from her for her own good. Not because I was a bad father, because I wasn’t. Because of my heroin use and the crazy life I led. She was right. Dammit was she ever right and the thought that I had abandoned my child over a drug has fueled the fire that has continually sent be back to it. Crazy, huh? I miss her with all my heart and soul. I don’t even know what she looks like. Do you know how that feels? Of course not. So when I get a look on my face like you think I’m no good or bad, that’s just how I feel.

I really need your help to work through this and everyone else’s voices telling me I’m shit, because that’s how I feel, and no good can come from feeling like that.

Thank you for everything.