Crappy day today. I suspect I’m beginning my PMS cycle. But the guys were incredibly irritating, needy and whiney. My regular Thursday group is struggling with a new member who has been overtly gay and is now using Christianity to “fix” himself. I find this concept repulsive and distressing. My belief is gay is gay. It is what you are. For us to judge somebody on this proclivity is tantamount to judging somebody for the color of their skin. I have a little bit more flexibility for judging on what you’ve done.
Ms. H points out that many of these guys have been sexually abused by men. This fact makes their tolerance very low. Perhaps those who have been sexually abused by women have the same intolerance, but I doubt it. Teaching tolerance is what she suggests, and what I attempted today. I must admit, of the seven, only two were virulently anti-gay. Two were trying to help me process and two stayed out of it. I just cannot tolerate that kind of hate in the group. It belongs in the yard. I can’t possibly kick the gay guy out; but that leaves me with kicking the intolerants out. Again, a decision without a clear right choice. I guess I just continue forward.
This guy has experienced years of this kind of response, and he is totally capable of fending it off and keeping himself cocooned and safe. It’s not like this makes me happy. It breaks my heart. So today is a breaking my heart day. One guy left early as he could not tolerate the conversation. Do I delve into their own abuse, do we need to go that deep?? Is this group dying and I need to make some change?? Crap.
How do I fix everybody? How do I keep them all safe?
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This is Prison blog from the point of view of Mental Health staff. Something I can't find other places on the net... My boss told me the story my second week of work. He had the experience after 20+ years of working in the prisons, where he noticed how lovely the razor wire looked, sparking in the sunlight. He believed it indicated some sickness in his soul.
Confidentiality
Just a note to say I’m in a position of intense confidentiality from all sides. My patients are foremost of concern, and at this time, I’m not so focused on their stories as my own. Identifying details will be changed where the intention of the story remains. To further protect them and myself, I choose not to put accurate identifying details of my own. My children, grandchildren and husband depend on this. Although I don’t walk around believing I am important enough to be targeted, my naïveté is no excuse for jeopardizing their safety.
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