Omission or Comission?

Today was weird. One of my guys is apparently in prison for strangling his mother to death. As I have mentioned, I don’t review my guys’ crimes. It doesn’t feel so important to me. He is not clear if he is responsible for this by omission or commission. His memory of that day is poor – too high. He has decided that either way, he is responsible.

I would wish that his thought that somebody stalking him, came into the house and killed his mother because he was busy at his girlfriend's house. But it is not clear that he didn’t do it himself. Raped as a child by the brother of his mother’s lover is the motivation of his anger. She did nothing, and did not protect him.

This is such a common theme in child abuse: women who feel weak, and are not able to think of the possibility of alienating the man who takes care of them to protect a child. Very common. Very frightening.

In my experience, the primary caretaker’s response to this forms the child’s response. If they take the child’s side, and prosecute and protect, the damage is actually minimal. The child understands they are not responsible, and the caretaking adult protects, as is expected. If the primary adult chooses to ignore, because they are scared, the child become alienated and isolated. They learn that they are the only person that will protect them, and an antisocial personality is born.

He believes he is responsible for his mother’s death whether he is or not. Can over twenty years have actually effected change?

So, my question is about my own vulnerability. What do I believe? Is it important that I take a side?

My husband worries that the first time one of my guys I am attached to comes back with a horrible crime I will freak out. He is right. I will. And yet, I can’t detach. That is what nearly everybody else does.

What if he were my brother? What if I had raised him as a child, with 12 years between our ages? Do I just give up? Do I just stop caring? Grrrrrr. This job is making me buggy.